Boundaries

Boundaries is something that is required in almost everything in life, relationships all of kinds (romantic, work, education, family etc.) However, it is the one thing that is almost always crossed in some way shape or form. Boundaries is also something that is hard for a lot of people to talk about, it makes them feel awkward or judged because what they may want or need might seem “ridiculous” to the other party involved, and this is exactly why they are crossed so easily.

For me, boundaries have been something I've wanted and felt strongly about but never really spoke up about, especially when it came to family. No one wants to ruffle feathers within a family dynamic, at least I don’t. So, I’ve always tried to keep the peace even if that meant allowing others to cross my own personal boundaries for myself and my kids. Most of my boundaries I would say are surrounding my children. I am a firm believer that the parents should be the sole factor in any parenting that goes on, no one else should think or feel they have the right to dictate the things you choose to do with your own family, especially my kids. I understand that within families everyone wants to share their point of views or opinions and all that, I understand that family and friends often times want to offer advice because perhaps they have gone through it before and feel they have more experience. However, how I choose to parent my kids or parent alongside my husband is just that…my choice. I want to wade through the rough times and create my own experiences, try things that I feel is right for me and my family. I can fully respect a lending hand but when that lending hand becomes an iron fist of dictatorship and constant judging, that’s when things become messy, and boundaries get crossed.

Parenting isn’t linear. There isn’t a precise way of doing it and it changes depending on so many factors and families. Everyone has their own way of thinking, believing and wants for how they would like to parent and raise their family. Unless there is harm happening or damage being done, there isn’t really a right or wrong way of doing it. Every single person within a family is different, so how you choose to parent one child might differ from how you parent another child. Everyone has different needs and abilities, different likes and dislikes. Umbrella parenting is for the basic needs like eating, bathing and sleeping. However, other stuff like discipline and extracurricular activities, screen time etc. are all ever changing per child and parenting household. What I may choose to do with my own family will often differ from many other parents out there, but it will also be similar to some as well. I, like most parents, want what’s best for my kids and my family unit, I want them to be happy and healthy and I want them to thrive at the things they do. Does it have to adhere to what others, including outside family members, believe to be right? No. It does not, not even in the slightest bit. Everything that I do is what I believe is right for my family in that moment, it may change as its needed, but for that moment in time the choices and decisions I make are what I feel is necessary and fitting for my family, mostly my children.

For me boundaries are crossed when someone tries to make me feel like what I’m doing or how I’m feeling is wrong or not right in some way. It’s when roles are misunderstood, and respect is not given. I am 33 years old; I have two small children ages 4 and 6 and I’ve been married to my husband for 9 years. I think I have earned the right to parent and establish the grounds for my family as I see fit. Giving advice is something that often becomes a boundary crosser, because if that person giving said advice doesn’t see you take it and utilize it and agree with it, then it’s a problem, they’re upset and instantly I’m wrong for going against it or simply not taking it. That’s not okay, it creates unnecessary friction and distance. It creates walls to be placed because I feel like I need to protect what’s mine. And that’s another misunderstanding within families, the word “mine”. For some reason it's hard for some to wrap their minds around and see it for what it is. My kids are mine and my husbands, that is it. No one else can say that they’re “theirs”, because at the end of the day they’re simply not. I think grandparents struggle with this concept the most, perhaps because the word “parent” is in their given title. However, they’re not the actual parent to my children. They don’t get to choose what happens and what doesn’t happen within their lives. They don’t get to judge me for how I choose to parent them or how I choose to do things. That’s not their right and it's something that happens so much within so many different families. The way I see it is grandparents had the chance to parent their children, our spouses. They got to do things the way they wanted too, and they got to believe in things regarding their kids when they were raising them. It's not their time to do it again when it's not asked of or needed. I think I’m most protective of my children when it comes to this.

I have boundaries for being a mother and a wife. They’re not out of this world crazy, they’re not even complicated, but they deserve every ounce of respect. Don’t get me wrong, I love advice and I love learning new ways to do things or ways of thinking, when it fits, but if it doesn’t fit or I don’t agree, that’s when the respect needs to come into play so that boundaries aren’t crossed. Eventually when so many are crossed or compromised, when so much respect has been depleted, it’s my normal body response to start bridging a space and creating distance. Unfortunately, when that starts to happen, it's not looked at in the right way. The disrespecting person or persons doesn’t look at themselves as the issue, even if you say that they are directly to them. I would guess that once you get to a point that you need to distance yourself from someone for these things, the idea of boundaries isn’t even a real concept to them. I would really take a shot and say they don’t even believe in them or at the very least, they feel ‘boundaries’ don’t apply to them.

Boundaries are set in place to maintain healthy relationships and lifestyles. They’re not this big bad thing that has to be ill willed or negative. Everyone has their limits; everyone has certain things that they would like to keep separate. The more people start to recognize boundaries for what they are and stop assuming they’re this massive personal attack, the less they will be crossed, and the less distancing will have to become a thing. Respect is key, it goes all ways no matter how old or experienced. Each person is entitled to their way of life, their way of parenting, however that may look. It's not up for debate, the sooner these concepts sink in, the sooner life becomes easier and smoother for everyone involved. In the end respect is everything when it comes to boundaries. Respect others as you would want yours respected and nothing less.