How to Cope with Losing Yourself

How do we cope with the idea that who we once were, everything we grew into, is fading away, if not already gone? I am not sure of the answer to this question, but what I can say is that constantly trying to regain who I was in the past, feeling the same way about things as I once did, is only hindering my progress towards learning who I am today. The thought is frightening when something in your life catapults you into another world, and by the time you discover you are back on the ground, you can't even recognize yourself. That's a genuine, raw fear. Immediately, I start thinking about ways to restore myself to the way I was before everything changed, ways to essentially make myself feel exactly the same way as before. Although I cannot speak for anyone else, I am learning that it is one of the closest things to impossible.

Life is a process of growth and evolution, and that is normal. However, sometimes something in one's life can turn everything inside out, shaking a person to the core, leaving only the ruins of their former selves. There are a variety of events like these, new life, death, relationships, divorce, etc., and each of these will mean something different to each individual. For me, it was losing someone that I made myself truly believe would live forever. My dad's death overcame me, I suppose unintentionally, over years of believing he would not die. It sounds ridiculous, almost silly, but it's how I felt. However, I never realized I felt that way until he slipped through my fingers and disappeared before I had time to catch my breath. Grief is a complex feeling and process that is never the same for one person. Someone else may not experience what one felt, or what worked for one person in the healing process may not work for someone else. That’s life. Nothing is a one-size-fits-all affair. My dad's death was the most heartbreaking thing that's ever happened to me, in the entire span of my life, so far. Some parts I can explain, and others I struggle to find the words to explain how it feels now that he’s gone. I know a part of me died with him that day and that is something I know to be true, I can feel it in heart, deep in my bones. Through the process of mourning him, I’ve come to realize that I am not the same person I was before. Now, not everything about me is gone. I still love my children and family and all that stuff, but some of the little bits and pieces that once were a part of me, are no longer there.

Time heals all, they say. I do believe this; However, I don’t think time is equal for everyone, but I do believe time will inevitably heal. That doesn’t mean you come out the same. At first, this bothered me. I didn’t understand it, I couldn’t make it make sense, but most importantly, I could not change it. I tried, believe me, I have tried and been trying but if I’m being honest, it’s exhausting. Simply put, I am not the same person. The complicated part is learning to accept that and adjust accordingly. I’ve spent so much time trying to find the missing pieces of myself while mourning the loss of my dad, that I have missed out on things that were very much right in front of me. My kids, my husband, my friends and myself. They’re all still very much here and apart of me and chasing after a version of me that no longer exists is only hurting myself, and others. Being present, right now is important. I needed to learn things about myself all over again. Some things I used to think were funny, I may not think are funny anymore. Things I used to feel a certain way about, I no longer do. My mind has shifted in a lot of ways. Some things I thought, felt, saw and believed are all very much changed and that’s okay. That is okay. I have had to tell myself this over and over, that this is okay. I don’t need to feel sorry for changing. Instead of fighting this and pushing back, I need to acknowledge and become self-aware of my own self again.

For a while now I have felt like I was wrong for feeling the way I do, I have felt like I needed to get back to the old me, the me before my life changed forever, and quickly. I was grasping for anything really that would pull me back that direction, anything that I could do or say that would at least make it seem like I was getting there. The whole time I was doing this, subconsciously I was losing myself more and more. I was fighting the impossible, it was exhausting. Finally, I let go of that fight. I accepted the changes and the fact that some things will never be or feel the same again. I started looking for positives in the big picture of it all. Yes, right now I am lost, at least some of me is but I’m not hopeless. I have a lot to be happy for, a lot to be grateful for and at the end the day I am blessed. I may not have all the answers, but I know I have a purpose in this life and maybe that purpose has changed, but I know this with all the certainty in my heart, I just want to be happy. However, that looks, I want to be happy with myself and I want to be happy for my family. I want to do things that bring me joy, surround myself with people that bring positivity not negativity nor judgement.

In the end, through all this pain and heartbreak I have learned that I can’t people please my way through life. I can’t be the one always saying “yes” because I’m afraid of hurting feelings or making others upset with me for simply wanting something different, whether it be small or big. If I have learned anything through losing my dad, it’s that life is incredibly unpredictable and painfully short, so while trying to make everyone else happy may seem like the best thing or sometimes easiest thing to do, it can slowly take away pieces of you. I deserve to live a life that makes me the happiest, that enables me to give my kids the happiest life. Losing yourself is truly one of the hardest things to go through, however finding yourself again can be a beautiful process. Wanting happiness for yourself in its fullest, doesn’t make you selfish. It’s okay to choose yourself, and to do it over and over again because if I am at my best, if I am my happiest and fulfilled, my children will be as well. They will get the best version of their mom. So yes, while I may not have all the answers in losing yourself and then finding yourself again, I can tell you this, choose you. Choose you every single time. Everything else, the things that are meant to be will still be and if not, they will fall into their correct place.

Sometimes, the only way to find yourself is to get completely lost.