Lost In Motherhood

Becoming a mother is one of the most exciting times in a lot of women’s lives. Some dream of being a mother from a small age, watching their own mother raising them and possibly their siblings. It’s something some admire, aspire to be. However, some don’t have that dream, they don’t necessarily lack the love of becoming one, but it isn’t something that they grew up knowing that they wanted. I am one of those women, I didn’t have plans set or made to become a mother growing up. I didn’t have any plans or ideas, goals or aspirations pertaining to motherhood at all honestly. Not because I had a poor upbringing or that I lacked love being given to me, I had a lot of love, it just wasn’t something I ever thought about. Of course, as I got older the idea would cross my mind more, girls that I went to school with were starting to have babies while still in high school, which at the time, blew my mind. I just couldn’t imagine, however the school I went too did a really good job at taking care of those students, in the sense they made it almost unknown…except of course its high school and everyone talks. Still, I watched those girls raise babies while still babies themselves, I couldn’t imagine but I did respect them for following through.

Eventually life moved forward, and I met my now husband, whom I share two beautiful children with. They’re 4 and 6 and absolutely the light of my world, my morning, noon and night. Everything I do is for them or because of them. I became a mother who was completely consumed with just that, being a mother. I lost all other motivators in my life outside of being a mom. Things for myself were far and few between. Hobbies and other interests that were exclusive to me were nonexistent. I would eat, sleep and breathe for my kids. I don’t think that’s a bad thing in the grand scheme of things, however I do think and feel that it is somewhat toxic for one person to take on. There is so much pressure from the outside world and inside of me to do it all and do it all right and perfectly. I desperately wanted to check all the boxes. I would often take my kids to the park and let them run free and play, and while I watched them play, I would find myself staring and watching other moms. What they were doing with their kids, how they were talking to their kids, what they brought with them to the park…did I bring those things? It was a never-ending cycle of comparing myself to every other mom around me, whether it be in person or online. It was almost like I couldn’t compare to anyone, even strangers. I strived to be better in almost every way, but all that did was dim my light, dull my shine and make me feel less than in a lot of ways.

Being a mother is something that is particular to each individual woman. We all want the same for our kids, happy, healthy and thriving but how we get there shouldn’t be identical. Parenting styles, differing styles are what shapes our world into diverse generations to come. Molding young mothers into thinking there is one way for everything is toxic, its belittling and not healthy for the mother or the children involved. We as mothers should feel free to express and parent as we see fit, per child because no matter how many children you have, no matter how many similarities they have, they are different. They’re their own human being, with different feelings and emotions, different wants and needs, likes and dislikes. Too often I got stuck trying to shapeshift my kids into something I was reading online or seeing from other mothers. However, I know myself all too well that what you see in a short span of time, whether it’s at a park or a grocery store is not the full picture of what it’s like behind the scenes. That right there is where I would spiral. I would see other kids acting a certain way, good or bad and I would immediately compare and analyze the difference in those kids to that of my own. This was exhausting, it was ever consuming and frankly it was unrealistic. Because of those things, I quickly became lost. I had nothing going for myself outside of being a mom to my kids and a wife to my husband. As my kids started to grow up a little, I started to see that I was lacking basic human motivation and happiness outside of my role as a mother and a wife. I no longer had any goals or desires; I couldn’t see beyond what I was doing already. That was my life, entirely. Should our kids be our life? I don’t think so. I think they’re a huge part of our lives, I know they make a huge part of who I am and have given me joy and growth I could have never gotten otherwise, but it’s not all that I am. I was someone before I had kids, I should still be someone after.

School age came, it was time for both my kids to go off to school for a few hours during the day. I no longer had tiny little feet running around every second of everyday always asking and needing things of me. Inside I was screaming with angst to just be with myself and to have time to be me, but the mother in me was sad and sometimes depressed at the idea of them not being around as much. That’s when I started thinking I needed to get out and find a job right away, I needed to do more, make more, become more. My reasoning for it though is what is wrong. I wasn’t thinking these things because I truly wanted too or doing what I was doing because I truly wanted too, I was doing it because I thought and believed I had too. My youngest started pre-K and I almost immediately found a job within the school system, my sons’ school to be exact. I saw him every day, short time frames, nonetheless, I saw him and was with him every day while he was in school. I thought it was perfect because I would have off when he had off and it appeared on paper to be the “perfect job”. What I didn’t realize until I was knee deep in the trenches of it all, was I was just adding to my already overflowing at times, plate. I wasn’t taking anything away, nothing was changing with my role and responsibilities and duties as a mother, I still was doing everything I did before and more. However, I really believed that I had to just go find something, anything really, do with the time I had while they were in school. I wasn’t happy though. I wasn’t fulfilled, I didn’t feel accomplished or any more successful in life. I felt the opposite. I felt exhaustion, frustration, resentment towards myself, my kids and my husband. Not by their doing, but by my own for putting myself in that situation of feeling like what I was doing before wasn’t good enough anymore, that I needed to add more.

Just because your kids go to school doesn’t mean you have to run out and fill the time that they’re in school. If you were already home with them prior, why is it so pressured and pushed that a mom “go find something to do”? I have plenty to do. Nothing has changed besides my hours. I still do everything I was doing and more. If I do feel the need to find something to fill the time, it should be something that makes me happy, something that I enjoy, something that doesn’t stress me out further just for the sake of saying “I did it”. Being a mom is enough. Its more than enough, and for some moms who do 99% of the work on their own, its beyond enough. So, you have a chunk of time now during the day when your kids are in school that you didn’t have before, that doesn’t mean you have to run out and jump directly into something just because. I’ve raised both my kids for years partially on my own, I’ve done it all. I deserve the time to find out what I want, what makes me happy aside from being their mom. I deserve to rediscover who I am as a woman, as a person.

After my dad passed away a lot of things looked and felt different to me. My life as I knew it before was no longer the same, no matter how hard I tried. I needed to find a new path, something else other than the same, repetitive stuff I have been doing for the past six and half years. I realized quickly that I didn’t know who I really was as a person anymore, as Brittany. For as long as I can remember I have been “Grayson and Adaline’s mom” and “Jimmy’s wife”. I’m not saying that I dislike these identities by any means, they are in fact the core of me, however I am still my own person, with my own identity. I’m not just a mom and a wife, I am Brittany, someone who has their own beliefs, opinions, loves, passions, likes and dislikes. I may have lost those things along the way, and they have changed I’m sure, but I owe it to myself and my family to find these things again. To rediscover who I am, aside from a mother and wife, because truly at the end of the day when these long days turn into too quick years, my children will leave and begin their own lives, without me. The thought of being left with no idea as to who I am or feeling of some independence from being ‘mom’, is extremely daunting and to be truthful, sad.

Growing up my mother was a stay-at-home mom for most of my life, all my younger years. She did work a little as I got older but was still very much present in my life. To her, my brother and I were her entire world, and in some way we still are. Aside from my dad of course, but the bond and relationship with your children a lot of time surpasses that of your other relationships, including with your spouse. My mom was everything and more growing up, she did all the bells and whistles the best she could, even when she couldn’t necessarily afford it, she made it happen. She gave every part of herself to us, without hesitation. Once we got older, my brother took off and joined the military. This was hard on her, however she still had one at home, me. We did a lot of things together even when I was older, but as life is I started to want to be with my friends more and be out doing things. I started spending less and less time at home, and my mom started showing signs of withdrawal from having her kids in her home like we’ve been our whole lives. At the time, I didn’t realize these signs. I didn’t know anything about “empty nest syndrome” or anything like it. As a teenager I just felt like she was smothering me, trying to control me and keep me home for no reason, little did I know the reason was more than I could have imagined, then. Without me there, she was left with a sense of emptiness, a sense of helplessness and lack of interest in anything other than being with me or having me close by. Looking back now, as a mother of two small kids, I now know what it was she was feeling. Abandoned, left behind. As a teenager, was I doing this intentionally? Absolutely not, I didn’t know any different. It was normal for us to grow and start to expand outside of our home life and family. But to her, it was the end of her life…as she knew it. When I was seventeen something happened that forever changed my life and my way of thinking about motherhood. My mom couldn’t imagine her life without her kids, right there with her. We didn’t literally leave her forever; we just weren’t there like when we were little. However, to her, that was unbearable.

I’ll never forget the night I wanted to go out with friends, it was a Saturday. My mom asked me to stay home and watch a movie with her, but I just wanted to go out with my friends. That night my mom thought her life wasn’t worth living anymore. Fortunately, she is okay and still with me today. But it was that night I realized just how much of herself lied within me and I knew that it wasn’t healthy, that this couldn’t be a way to live, there had to be more to life after becoming a mother. As I said before, I never really thought I wanted kids growing up, but I remember promising myself that if I ever did have children, I would make sure I didn’t lose who I was in the process. Now I’m 33 years old with two small kids and I just started feeling like I was leading myself down that same path, a path to where my children were my entire reason for living and nothing outside of being a mother was of any interest, or at least I didn’t have any. So, I quit my part time job I took once my youngest entered pre k. I knew it wasn’t making me happy, I knew I was doing it because I felt like I had to do it, like I had to not be home at all if both my kids were in school, even though I was still responsible for the same things, if not more, just different hours of the day. I was still doing everything as a mother should for my kids, that didn’t just stop because they went to school for a few hours. At that moment I knew it was okay to let go of that guilt we as mothers feel, often put on by ourselves but also society. It was okay for me to not go right into doing something I didn’t love, if I didn’t have too, if it didn’t make sense.

After my dad passed away, I started journaling again, writing down all my thoughts, everything that I was feeling or wanted to say to him. Things I wish I could tell him. I quickly remembered how much I loved writing before I had kids. It was always something I enjoyed, on its own. It was never a job or anything that I made money from, but it was something I loved doing, something that made me happy and looked forward too. So here I am, beginning to write again, starting to allow myself to do what makes me happy within the time my children are in school. Do I make money? No. Did I take a small loss by quitting my part time job at my sons’ elementary school to explore this? No. Because I’m happy, and because I feel excited about something that isn’t related to being to a mother and I chose myself for the first time in a very long time. We should all choose ourselves in life, even if it’s in small ways, we should always choose ourselves. That doesn’t mean I’m saying to hell with being a mom or that I care less or love less, if anything this choice will strengthen me as an individual which will in turn make me a better mom and wife to the people that mean the most to me. I wish my mother had done this for herself when my brother and I were younger, I feel sadness for her that she didn’t but I’m thankful that I was able to learn from my past childhood experiences that enabled me to make choices and decisions to deter myself from that very same path.

I don’t have it all figured out and to be honest I don’t know that I ever will. I’m not sure anyone ever has it all figured out, despite what they may put off and I think that’s normal. Life changes at the drop of a hat and we as humans change our minds, our likes and dislikes more often than we think. So, for one to have it all figured out, would imply they are fully content and done growing within themselves and their lives. I know that I am not done, I know there are so many more chapters to come with being a mother and a wife, but I’m so incredibly excited for the chapters to come for myself, as just me, however that may look. A lot of things are uncertain right now, but this I am certain of, I’m finding my balance, I’m not losing myself to motherhood. I’m redefining myself. I may not be exactly who I used to be, and that’s okay. I’ve grown and hope to become a better version of myself. I won’t give up on the idea of happiness beyond motherhood. My kids deserve a genuinely happy and healthy mommy, physically, mentally and emotionally. My husband deserves a happy wife whom he can be proud of, but most of all, I deserve to feel every ounce of happiness and fulfillment I can garnish. I, like every other mom out there, deserves to feel alive again.

I hope we all find our happiness in life, through our families as well as through ourselves.