The Not So Thin Line Within Schools

What should our kids be allowed to learn in school versus at home? The issue has become a hot topic across the board recently. While it was always a priority for me, it now occupies a prominent place in our educational systems. In this matter, there are two viewpoints and opinions to consider, those who have young children in school and those who do not, but who nevertheless have their own opinions and beliefs. Both are valid and important; however, as a mom of two young ones in school, what I think or say may not make sense to someone who doesn't have any children in the school system or has none at all. Before having children, I had a whole bunch of ideas of how I was going to parent, but I quickly realized that my world is one of adaptability and adjustment now that I am a parent. After having children, what made sense or what I thought I would want ended up not making sense, whether it was because I came up with an alternative option or learned that our kids are all different and ever-changing, so never can one type of thinking apply to all. You must adapt and adjust as you go, with each individual child.

As parents, we presume our children will learn the basics of education at school. Beginning with the typical ABCs and 123s, reading, writing, etc., depending on their age. In addition, there is music, physical education, art, and more. These are the topics and lessons we expect our kids to learn in school. Things like D.A.R.E., which used to be taught later in age back when I was in school, are now being taught as early as first grade. I believe this is a positive change; kids are very much different now than they were then. Technology has advanced, movies, television, and tablets have exposed our children to much more than I was exposed to at such a young age. Introducing the "dos and don'ts" of touch and light talk about drugs and what's safe and not safe are all important factors to include now in school, even as young as first grade. The question is: when does the amount of information being imparted, or perhaps the lack thereof, become overwhelming?

Recently there has been a wave of controversy over the latest piece of legislation passed in Florida, the “Parents Rights in Education” bill, also being referred to as the “Don’t Say Gay” bill. This bill seeks to restrict the discussion of sexual orientation and gender identity within public schools, targeting more specifically kindergarten through third grade. In this bill it states, “Classroom instruction by school personnel or third parties on sexual orientation and gender identity may not occur in kindergarten through grade three or in a manner that is not age appropriate or developmentally appropriate.” There is a lot more to this bill, and the controversy behind it is both understandable, but also, misinformed in some cases. I don’t want to get into the full gauntlet of this bill, because it isn’t solely what this piece is about, however it does stand to spark fire on what may be deemed overwhelming or developmentally appropriate. It’s also important to add that this is not a nationwide bill as of right now, so it does not affect all schools across the states. Currently I reside in Virginia, where this bill is not in place.

Being a mother myself, I truly believe that most children are innocent. Despite not fully understanding what it all means, children are accepting of many things that adults would consider controversial. In regard to grades kindergarten through grade three, I don't necessarily see this as a negative thing. As a 6-year-old first grader, my son doesn't look at anyone differently, he doesn't question whether certain things are "okay". Without judgement, he accepts most aspects of what he sees and hears. Does he have questions? Sure, I welcome them. In order for my kids to be successful, I want them to always ask questions and to be hungry to learn about subjects they may not understand. Generally, I'd rather he asks me or his father these questions. He shouldn't necessarily be taught things about sexual orientation or gender identity by someone outside of our family at this age because I have no idea what their opinion is on the subject. Certainly, that doesn't mean my personal opinion is what I believe my children should also have. Nevertheless, some people have ulterior motives or hidden agendas they feel strongly about and want to push forward. We need to discuss it, perhaps with a slightly older demographic, but we should discuss it, nonetheless. It's just a question of how we do it. It's a fact that many children do not feel comfortable talking about these topics in their own homes, they don't feel allowed to ask questions about them, or even express doubts about them. This is, undoubtedly, a problem. What can we do to create a space for students who may not otherwise be able to learn about sexual orientation or gender identity? How can we do this without pushing it through the school curriculum? There must be a middle ground when it comes to our children and school, what they’re taught and not taught, but also, what’s available to those who might not have that safety net at home.

For me, I believe demographically, kindergarten through grade three need basic learning and coping skills. This will later set them up and prepare them for more in depth, deeper conversations and subjects. I know my son personally, had a lot of trouble just understanding the idea of waiting his turn to speak, knowing when it’s okay to be silly and when it's time to learn. As a six-year-old, he was having difficulty understanding the fundamentals of group behavior, which is not surprising for his age. For him to be able to comprehend much deeper concepts, he first needs to learn how to comprehend the basics. For this, I do agree that teaching about sexual orientation and gender identity can become overwhelming for this age group. With that said, I also firmly believe they should learn and be educated on the different aspects of humans, their peers, in which they may see and have perfectly acceptable curiosity about, later down the road. As it stands, if my children want to wear a certain color or play with a certain toy, I don’t want them to feel like it makes them “different” or have these thoughts placed before them that otherwise wouldn’t be there. To my kids, they play with what they like, what they feel is fun in that moment, no matter what “gender” the specific thing may fall under. They don’t think about it like that, ever. That’s their innocence, as children it isn’t ignorance, its innocence. There are days my son has said he was a dinosaur or a ninja warrior, obviously he is not, but that’s okay for his imagination to take him there. I believe he’s aware he’s not actually any of these things, rather enjoys the playful imagination behind it. Likewise, my daughter has said she’s a Disney princess, a mermaid or a unicorn. None of which are true, but she is just a child and she’s enjoying the places her imagination can take her.

During this age, I believe children should feel and think according to their natural instincts. It might not always make sense, it might not even be possible, but their imagination and creativity will take them places. As long as there is no harm, I don't see any reason to interfere. Regarding things like crushes in grade school, especially kindergarten through grade three, I don't believe this is harmful. We’ve all been there; you liked a boy or girl and there wasn't much more to it than that. It's their natural instinct to feel that way about a person, which I have experienced in my own children at this young age to be superficial. This has no deep significance and often changes within a blink of an eye. Similarly, if a child expresses interest in someone of the same gender, the same rules should apply. Those are their natural feelings, and there does not necessarily need to be any discussion about whether it is "all right" within the school system. As someone with my own beliefs regarding these situations, it is difficult for me to speak for individual families, However I do believe discussions about this type of topic and child development should be left to the parents, at this age. This isn't to say there won't be exceptions to certain cases. If a young child seeks help from within the school system to express a concern about something happening at home due to something they said or did, then I think that's a different issue that ought to have its own set of measures in place. It doesn't need to be in effect across the board, though. The vast majority of these young students are just learning about things in general and analyzing feelings beyond the top layer is not something they usually do. School officials telling our kids it isn't okay for them to have a crush on someone or that they can't like them is not for them to decide. In the event that it becomes a distraction or causes other problems for one child, then yes, it has to be addressed, but again, there are always exceptions. So long as it is harmless, kids should be allowed to feel what they feel, not discouraged from doing so. This could lead to issues with self-esteem or a sense of feeling they did something wrong when they didn't.

While it's understandable that every home is different for every child, I do believe some things are more time-sensitive when it comes to children at such a young age. Some things should be left to their feelings and thoughts, while they learn the more fundamental principles. They should have discussions and have conversations within the context of equality, sexual orientation, gender identity, etc. at a more mature age, because they will be able to understand it more deeply and process it more efficiently, and if they go home and there are differing views or beliefs, they will also be able to deal more effectively with that. With that deeper understanding, they will be able to reach out to counselors or seek outside help when needed.

Every day, we all hope that our children will be good people. Our goal is to instill in them the importance of being tolerant to all types of relationships, emotions, and differences amongst their peers. The question is where this conversation starts and at what age. This should undoubtedly take place, even in a school setting, but later on down the road when they have reached a more mature developmental stage. As parents, I believe it is their responsibility to talk to their children about these things when their children are ready. There are a lot of kids that won't receive the same good advice, or they will be put in a one-way frame of mind regarding these issues. However, if we can teach our young ones about kindness, acceptance, equality, etc., my hope is that when they are more developmentally mature, they will be able to engage with these topics and conversations amongst others outside of their family and be able to think independently. Every person, every family is different, so there will never be a perfect scenario, but I am hopeful that our coming generation will have more open minds and hearts than our predecessors.