Truths of a Stay at Home Mom

There’s a lot that goes into being a stay-at-home mom, many different factors play a role into this lifestyle. There are also different types of stay-at-home moms, ones that work from home so that that can stay home with their kids and then those whose fulltime job is being just that, a stay-at-home mom. Neither option is more superior than the other, neither option is more important or respectable, at least they shouldn’t be, however they often, are. I have personally done both the working mom and the stay-at-home mom life. There were aspects of both that were both positive and negative, for me anyways. Working, I enjoyed being able to get out of the house and see other people that were above 3 feet, I could relate too beyond what snack was being asked for at that very minute. On the other end, I was missing time with my kids, I was stressed out because I had to find care for my kids when I had to be at work, when they had off from school or were sick and couldn’t go into school. I was tired and had much less patience for them when the day would come to an end. I would often find myself spending the breaks I did have stressing about who was going to help watch the kids on my weekend to work, it became consuming and took the joy I once felt doing the work I did, away. Eventually once my second child was born, I left my job for medical reasons concerning my baby as well as myself and needing to be there for her. This was a massive transition for me, as I had always worked and been able to work whatever hours I had wanted prior to kids. I never grew up wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, it wasn’t my goal nor my intention. Rather, it became my reality.

Transitioning into staying at home was an adjustment, it was overwhelming at times because I was on my own. I didn’t have any family or friends close by to help if needed or just to visit and keep me company, to talk to. My husband’s job took him away more times than not, so I truly was on my own in many ways. At first, I struggled tremendously, I had resentment towards other people, including my husband who got to be around other people, come and go as he wanted and never had to worry about who was going to watch the kids if he had to be somewhere, because I was there. Always there. There’s this stigma given to a lot of stay-at-home moms, that they’re lazy, don’t do that much, don’t pull their weight or have it easy when that couldn’t be the furthest thing from the truth. Being a fulltime stay at home mom means you are the main source of running everything in the household as well as the kids and everything that comes with that. You’re doing all the laundry, meals, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, the cleaning that never seems to end, you’re doing baths and bedtimes, packing lunches, packing bookbags, getting up before anyone else in the morning and often going to bed last. Every need is laid on your shoulders, and that’s just part of being a stay-at-home mom. Sure, were not bringing in money, but were running an entire family and household all on our own. Some spouses help, pitch in, and others don’t because they don’t want too, feel they shouldn’t have too or they’re simply not home to do so.

Some would say staying home is a privilege, it’s a luxury. Therefore, it isn’t viewed as it should be, a vital running component to a family unit. Yes, there are some families that cannot afford to have one parent stay at home, both parents are required to work, usually for financial purposes. I do understand the difference and I can relate to how a person in that situation would view staying home as a luxury, but it doesn’t make it a fact, it doesn’t take away how much hard work is put into this role. Sometimes stay at home moms must stay home because in the long run It makes more sense for them to be home and not at a job, for many reasons. For me personally, with my husband's job, it made more sense and works better for our family because me being home allows my husband to be able to fully focus on his job, his dreams and goals without having to worry about whose going to pick up a sick child from school or whose going to take time off when there is a school break, or snow days, who isn’t going to stay home when school closes due to weather. It's important to understand every family dynamic is different, every family’s needs are different, though they may look the same from the outside looking in, they’re not. Its easy for someone who isn’t in the position of being a stay-at-home mom to throw stones at one that is, they don’t understand why and sometimes even when explained, it isn’t good enough to them. That leaves the mom that is staying at home for the sake of her family feel not valued, unappreciated and not deemed important. Our needs both physical and emotional often go unnoticed or unwarranted. We deserve the same amount of respect and value that any other working person would receive, we deserve to be noticed for all the work we do and all the weight that is put on our shoulders daily.

So, there’s the question, is being a stay-at-home mom “good enough”, is it worth it? For many moms it is worth it, even though it can be exhausting and overwhelming and often lonely. We get to see our kids grow and learn; we get to spend the time with our kids that is fleeting with every second that passes by. But why do we still feel this immense sense of guilt? Why do we often feel like we’re not bringing enough to the table, or that we shouldn’t ask for much because were given the opportunity to stay home and that alone should be good enough. It’s a very real vicious cycle of feeling good enough and not good enough at the same time. One minute you’re being told you are valued and appreciated, sometimes you’re told things like “I could never do what you do every day” but then hard conversations fall, and words get thrown out like “You’re home all day” or “You don’t do anything all day” or the implication that you just sit around is made. How unbelievably cruel and emotionally damaging these words or implications can be to a person who quite literally does everything, except bring home a paycheck.

For me, if you have the choice to stay at home with your children and take care of every day household tasks and chores, then you should never be made to feel less than after that choice is made. You should be supported and uplifted, appreciated and acknowledged. Not taken for granted, not pushed on the back burner. The words “You don’t do anything all day” should never be spoken to you, ever. When your kids grow and go into school, that doesn’t mean you’re doing any less than you were before they went into school for a few hours, it doesn’t mean you now have hours to just sit around and do nothing while you wait for their arrival back home. No, you’re in fact doing everything you did before, except now you can get some of these things done without being asked for a snack 100 times in between, or to get this or do that. Your job responsibilities never change, even if your kids are in school. Your hours have just simply changed a little bit. Taking on anything more is just that, adding. You’re simply adding to the already high volume of tasks you had to begin with.

Being a stay-at-home mom now in my life, I can say that I feel more guilt than I believe I should, then I believe any stay-at-home parent should feel. I feel less and less valued as my kids grow up, I feel more weight on my shoulders when that shouldn’t be the case at all. For me, you’re either going to support me staying home with the kids and taking care of the everyday household chores and tasks, or you’re not and with that, staying home should no longer be an option. You can’t support someone’s lifestyle one day and then switch it up and make them feel small for what you once supported in the beginning. You’re either in and completely supportive and appreciative, or you’re not. There shouldn’t be a middle ground. The whole idea that being a stay-at-home mom is a privilege is very discouraging and degrading to the parent who has all that responsibility on their shoulders. If someone were to imply that a working parent isn’t pulling their weight within the roles of parenting and marriage or partnership, or that they could be doing more etc., it would be looked down upon. It truly, in my opinion wouldn’t even happen. Too many times I see and hear others tear down the parents that are at home with their kids but praising the parent that is out in the world working, bringing home a paycheck. You’ll often hear things like, “they’ve had a long day”, “they’re tired and need to relax” or things like “The stress they’re under is probably very overwhelming and they need a break” but you would never hear that about a stay-at-home parent, at least not often. I know that being home all day with the kids or periodically around their schooling schedule still brings on plenty of exhaustion, stress both physical and mental. Neither role is superior, at the end of the day both roles play a vital role in the running of a successful household, and such as should be treated accordingly.

Imagine a world where you wake up around the same time every single day and typically its earlier than you would have to be up, earlier than anyone else in the house is up just so you can start your day with a few moments of quiet, a few moments to yourself before you begin doing everything for everyone else around you. Imagine a life where your days are long, chaotic, you’re being pulled in every possible direction with no regard for your own self. There isn’t a “break time” when you’re a stay-at-home parent. There isn’t a “lunch break” that’s designated every single day for you, like there is when you are working at a paying job. You eat when you can, it may or may not be hot, it may or may not be leftovers from whatever you made the kids, but I can assure you most of the time, there’s nothing luxurious about it. You’re often alone, with no one to talk to about life, adult things, no one to laugh with about things that aren’t regarding some weird kid joke that makes absolutely no sense to you. It feels like you’re constantly being used repeatedly. Then there’s the whole concept that there truly isn’t a “light at the end of the tunnel” feeling. There isn’t a part of the day that you know you can clock out and forget about the responsibilities you have as a mother, let alone a stay at home one. Your spouse gets to come home, eat a hot meal and sit down and relax, you don’t have that “luxury” as so many like to label it. You’re cleaning up after making that hot meal, you’re rounding up kids for baths and showers and gathering dirty clothes in exchange for clean pajamas. Those clothes must be washed, of course, so naturally you must go and get that laundry at least started or the piles will consume you. At some point, when all is said and done you, as the stay-at-home parent, must find the time to take care of yourself in some way, take your shower which is almost always last, get things ready for the next day and if you’re lucky you’ll snag an hour or two before you pass out to just breathe, without someone asking you for something.

I’m aware this all may sound like one big complaining warfare, and it may come across as someone who is just finding the negative in every situation, but that’s not the point of this. Yes, its hard and its exhausting, yes it really is all the things listed and stated above, but its also the most rewarding experience and life. I get to see my babies grow into little humans who then grow into older humans, I get to be there for all those moments and make those memories. That’s something to be desired, this I am aware and forever grateful for. However, it shouldn’t be tainted by the negative stigma placed on stay-at-home parents. I respect everyone who puts in the effort and time, whether they get a paycheck or not and shows up for their family and household. I think both roles have something to be desired, they both have their pros and cons. Both, however, should be held in the same regard as the other. It should never waiver. To be a successful stay at home parent, that is a must. To be a successful parent, regardless of which role you lead, its crucial. Society needs to do better at making that a reality, for everyone in every role.